


mistaken words that can't help ( how does one help )

by smartbuckley



Series: Buddie Tumblr Prompts [19]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Bobby Nash - Freeform, Break Up, Break Up Talk, Chronal Disassociation, Depression, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Eddie Díaz is a good boyfriend, Henrietta "Hen" Wilson - Freeform, Hopeful Ending, Howie "Chimney" Han - Freeform, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Maddie Buckley - Freeform, Making Out, Making Up, Miscommunication, Original Character Death(s), Panic Attacks, Past Child Abuse, Post Break Up, Post Lawsuit, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, brief mention of - Freeform, house fire, mentions of - Freeform, suicide idealation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-23
Updated: 2020-02-23
Packaged: 2021-02-28 06:09:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,288
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22858999
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smartbuckley/pseuds/smartbuckley
Summary: Buck, waiting for Eddie after a shift one night, is faced with some harmful truths when Eddie comes home drunk and says he blames Buck for losing Christopher in the tsunami, which only leads him down a dark spiral of depression. Can Buck somehow pull himself out of it?
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz
Series: Buddie Tumblr Prompts [19]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1528010
Comments: 39
Kudos: 490





	mistaken words that can't help ( how does one help )

**Author's Note:**

> Wow. WOOOOOOW. This was a lot to write. It was very cathartic to write, also. Please be mindful of the tags, and take care of yourself before, during and after reading this story. If you're worried about any of the tags, there's nothing too graphic, but read the end notes for spoilers if you really want to know.
> 
> Story was based off the following prompts: _buck confronts a drunken Eddie about the street fighting and ends with Eddie saying he blamed buck for losing Christopher. Buck is devastated by this and avoids Eddie at all costs since he thinks that’s what he wants. Buck starts not taking as good care of himself and the others notice and confront him. Buck admits to the guilt he has been dealing with over the tsunami and Eddie is horrified by what he has said._ , _Buck is having a real depressive episode after everything that has happened and because everyone is still mad at him, he doesn’t know how to reach out and ask for help or just ask for someone to sit with him so he’s not alone. He starts retreating into himself, getting more quiet, not eating his usual amount and skipping out on tram hangouts, he doesn’t feel like he deserves to. A stranger on a call is the one to point out the signs of depression in Buck_ and _after the lawsuit, the team struggle to get their old dynamic back. Buck tried for months but is still the outsider. While on a call, he bonds with a suicidal man, talking him off the edge because he too understands what it’s like to be pushed to that point. After the man is sent off to the hospital, the team asks Buck is that story of his is true but he refuses to answer, thinking they don’t really care. But they push and finally he admits about how dark it got when they all hated him_.

Three weeks after the lawsuit, Buck doesn’t know what to do with himself. He’s returned to work, and while things are okay with everyone, Buck feels like he’s still lost and unanchored, floating in waves that are cascading over him and every decision he makes, thought he has. Sure, everyone says that everything’s okay, that they forgive him but there are signs that Buck can’t ignore that that’s a lie - especially when it comes to Eddie. He had been so damn hopeful when Eddie had said he had forgiven him that things would go back to normal, but they  _ hadn’t _ . If anything, Eddie was still pulling away and Buck… Buck didn’t understand  _ why _ . He had asked Eddie numerous times but his best friend --

His best friend wasn’t really his best friend anymore, and he definitely wasn’t his boyfriend either, something they had been reaching towards after the tsunami, and that hurt so damn much that Buck didn’t know what to do about it. He felt lost without Eddie there to catch him, and he even though he was still able to see Christopher, he realized rather quickly how important Eddie was to him - how much he  _ loved _ him, admittedly. And because of that reason alone, Buck has made a lot of silly decisions lately to try and talk to Eddie, but this one -- this one might take the cake.

He’s sitting on Eddie’s porch at two in the morning, waiting for his friend to come back from wherever it is he is. He had driven here after his shift with food, knowing Chris was with his abuela, and had knocked for a good five minutes after the sun had set before realizing Eddie wasn’t home, despite his truck being in the driveway. And while he knew he should go home, call Eddie tomorrow, a stubborn part of him wanted to talk to Eddie  _ now _ . 

So he waited. And he waited,and he continued to wait, sitting down on the porch stairs after his leg had started to bother him, even eating a few of the fries he had brought with him for dinner, hopeful that Eddie would be home soon. He knew he was risking Eddie not coming home at all, or worse, coming home with someone that  _ wasn’t _ Buck but Buck -- Buck was willing to take that risk and more for the man he loved more than anything.

Which is why, when Buck saw a taxi, of all things, pull up, he let out a breath and rubbed the palm of his hands on his jeans, watching as a door opened and Eddie...stumbled out. Frowning, Buck found himself standing up and stepping forward, tilting his head as his eyes widened when Eddie turned to face him before stumbling to a sudden stop.

“What are you doin’ here?” Eddie slurred and Buck blinked, opening and closing his mouth before shaking his head and crossing his arms in front of him.

“You’re drunk,” Buck says, tilting his head back as he takes in Eddie and -- realizes he’s more than drunk. “And you’ve been in a fight,” he adds, stepping forward, concerned, hurt flashing across his face when Eddie steps back with a scoff, Buck’s hand dangling in the air before he lets it drop.

“You should see the other guy,” Eddie chuckles, tripping when the taxi driver interrupts, yelling for his cash. Buck’s eyes widen when he sees Eddie pull out a wad of cash - a wad too big for Eddie to have as normal cash, watching as Eddie pays the taxi driver and he drives away, tires squealing in the dead of the night, no doubt waking up many of the families in the neighborhood.

“Go home, Buck,” Eddie snorts and Buck continues to frown, shaking his head as he blocks Eddie from stumbling up the steps with narrowed eyes.

“Where did you get that much money, Eds?” Buck asks, ignoring the way Eddie scoffs at him once more and ignoring how it hurts that Eddie is doing so in the first place, and ignoring him, as he doesn’t answer and does, eventually, stumble his way up his steps.

Buck can’t stop himself from following, a scowl forming on his face as he enters Eddie’s home, making sure to grab the food while doing so.

“You’re drunk, which you never are, and you have a wad of cash on you in an amount you told me you found  _ arrogant _ , and you’re just coming home now, close to three in the morning, despite having worked until five last night. What the  _ hell _ , Eddie. Talk to me!” Buck nearly shouts, grabbing Eddie’s arm and turning him around when the other man tries to walk away from him. He knows Eddie can’t get far in his home, something Buck is thankful for, but he doesn’t understand what’s going on and that’s all he does want at this moment. Buck does his best to ignore the glare Eddie gives him, looking at the other man, fingers flexing around Eddie’s wrist until he pulls his arm out with a scowl. The two of them are in a standoff, and while Buck knows it’s something that’s been coming for a while now, it still hurts to be standing opposite Eddie and not on the same wavelength of him.

“What’s going on with you Eddie?” Buck whispers, his entire body slumping as he folds his arms into his chest, wishing with everything in him that Eddie will answer him, that this is something they can work through. Eddie shakes his head, fingers running through his hair as he spins and huffs at Buck.

“Do you know how exhausting you are, Buck?” Eddie snaps and Buck opens his mouth to say something, heart pounding in his chest but before he can, Eddie continues, and it’s exactly like the scene at the grocery store so many weeks ago.

“You are -- exhausting. Being around you is exhausting. Thinking about you is exhausting. Every moment of every second of every goddamn day is exhausting Buck, because you’re not around, and that’s my fault. I might have forgiven you, I might love you, but I can’t even look at you because all I’m thinking about is you losing Chris in that tsunami. I have so much anger in me about that, about me blaming you for something you can’t even fucking control, despite my best attempts at not blaming you, that I’ve resorted to fucking street fighting to try and get my feelings out!” Eddie snaps, walking closer with each word, punctuating each sentence with his index finger in Buck’s chest, bruising him no doubt due to the blood thinners. 

Buck opens his mouth, closes it, his heart pounding inside his chest though he’s pretty sure its sunk into his ribs because there are so many things in what Eddie said that he needs to unpack, and he just doesn’t know where to begin. All he can think about though, is Eddie blaming him for losing Christopher. It’s like his worst nightmare come true, other than losing Chris once more, and Buck finds himself stepping back with wide, wet eyes. 

“I--” Buck says, no idea what to say. Eddie himself as wide eyes, like he didn’t expect to admit all of that, and he steps closer, Buck shaking his head as he tries his best to choke back a sob, arms tightening in front of his chest. Eddie blames him. It’s his worst nightmare, and Eddie is admitting to it, while drunk. He’s admitting to a lot of things, admittedly, like apparently the fact that he’s been street fighting, which,  _ what the fuck _ , but Buck can’t focus on that right now.

Or he doesn’t want to focus on that right now. Buck has no idea, too many thoughts swirling in his mind as he continues to open and close his mouth.

“Buck I--” Eddie says, and Buck shakes his head, a wounded noise escaping from him. “I didn’t mean that, man. I don’t blame you. It’s not ---”

“You know, I always believed that when we’re drunk, the truth of how we feel will come out then when we’re sober. It helped that my Dad was always an asshole when drunk but --” Buck stops here, letting out another broken sob before rubbing his face with his hands, looking at Eddie.

“Maybe you didn’t mean it. But right now? You clearly do. So, I’m--- I’m done.” Buck says with a frown, taking another step back as Eddie shakes his head and steps forward, his hand moving forward as if to reach for him. His hand clenches, and he takes a deep breath, closing his eyes briefly before turning around and heading towards the door, ignoring Eddie as he says his name.

“There’s food on your side table,” Buck says, opening it and walking out, the door slamming shut. Briefly, he leans against it and takes another step, closing his eyes and breathing deeply once more, choking back a sob before he leaves Eddie’s.

* * *

The next day at work, Buck enters Bobby’s office with tired eyes, bags underneath. He knows what he’s doing is risky, and he’s sure that if he and Eddie were okay, Eddie would kill him for this but -- they’re not okay.

They’re done.

And Buck can’t, in good conscious, allow Eddie to continue street fighting. He might have yelled it out in anger, no doubt never planning on sharing the truth with Buck, but it could be dangerous for Eddie, for Chris, if anything ever happened, and Buck can’t let that ever happen, so he goes to Bobby and explains.

He doesn’t explain a lot - doesn’t explain the Eddie and him had started trying to date after the tsunami. Doesn’t explain that his heart was broken during the lawsuit, and his mistakes, and he definitely doesn’t explain the words Eddie had yelled at him completely. What he does explain is that he and Eddie had words, and Eddie had mentioned street fighting. And while they’re words ended with them no longer --

He was going to remain professional, of course, but he couldn’t, in good faith, let Eddie continue street fighting, so he was telling Bobby instead. And even though Buck felt frozen, felt like his world was ending and had barely slept the night before after arriving home, he knew this was the right thing to do.

When he’s done telling Bobby, he asks if he can have the day off, if only because he knows he won’t be good to anyone if he’s on no sleep, and Bobby, no doubt seeing something in him, nods, and Buck leaves Bobby’s office, grabbing his stuff and going to his apartment, heart shuttering closed as he eventually, makes his way to his bed, falling into it and silently crying, nothing else to do.

The time passes slowly for Buck in the next few weeks. He still goes to work but other than that, there’s nothing for him at any other point in time. He’ll text Christopher when Chris texts him first, but he doesn’t hang out with the little man, too afraid his episode will rub off on the kid somehow, and too afraid that seeing Eddie will just --

Hurt.

So he’s texted Christopher, called Christopher and even face-timed with the dude but going to visit when Eddie’s around and with Buck in such a depressive state -- he hasn’t done. He doesn’t visit Maddie or Chimney either, believing they’re better off not dealing with his issues. He’s Maddie’s little brother, yes, but that doesn’t mean she needs to deal with him constantly, not when she has her own life to live.

And Hen - while they’re friends, coworkers, teammates and even family, he’s not as close to her as he is with the others, and she has her own life, her own problems - just like Maddie, admittedly. 

He feels alone, and he knows it shows. He doesn’t eat as much as he should be, no longer having an appetite for food because all he can think about is the fact that his best friend, the man he loves, blames him.

He should stop being surprised, he thinks, as he moves the food on his plate around during the dinner the team is having right now. He wanted to stay downstairs, wanted to stay hidden and not be forced to play with his food and act like he was hungry, but Athena was here, and Bobby had given him a look and Buck knew he couldn’t hide from everyone, that he had to interact and appear normal.

But he wasn’t. He was wasting away, and everyone could tell it was happening. And if Buck had looked up for one moment, he would see everyone giving Eddie glares, telling him with their eyes that he had to fix things. He would see Eddie looking guilty, he would see --

He would see the love in Eddie’s eyes as he tried to get his attention. But Buck didn’t look up, didn’t interact with anyone and he didn’t eat. And that’s the way it’s been going for three weeks since Eddie had come home drunk.

When he was finally done eating - or well, when he had enough food that looked passable as him having eaten, Buck moved away from the table and went to the bunks, waiting for the rest of his shift to pass, or a call to occur, waiting for something to distract his mind from the negativity running through it.

* * *

Three more weeks pass, making it almost two months since he last talked to Eddie unless it had to deal with work and Buck couldn’t do it even more. He’s lost so much weight, that almost none of his clothes fit him, even the track pants tightened as much as they can be. His hip bones show, his muscles are gone, and he knows that if version one of himself saw him now, he’d look at Buck in disgust, not because of how he’s lost weight or ‘let himself go’ but because he’s doing nothing to change it, he’s swallowing his energy so that there’s nothing but a black cloud following him around.

A cloud that Buck can’t get out of, that he doesn’t  _ want _ to get out of, admittedly. He’s lost sleep because he’s been having nightmares about the tsunami again, and the lawsuit, and losing blood and everything else bad that’s happened in his life.

When he sees himself through quick glimpses of a mirror, he doesn’t like what he sees -- too thin, his veins popping out -- too ugly, the area under his eyes blackened. He feels lost, and like there’s no way to get help.

He doesn’t want to be around anymore, he thinks. Part of him wonders what will happen if he runs away. Another part of him wonders what happened if he simply goes away, no goodbye, no letters, just disappears, no one caring.

Would it hurt? He remembers when he was a teenager; completely alone with Maddie married to Doug, cut out of his life, his Mom drinking her life away in a bar that was as far in the city as possible without actually leaving, unable to handle the abuse his father put on her, and his dad fucking any tight hole he could find when he wasn’t punching some sense into Buck, he had played around with different ways to get some feeling into his system. Drugs had done nothing, he remembers that clearly. Neither had alcohol, and it left a bitter taste in his mouth, drinking to feel, so much like his mother that he couldn’t stand it. 

Pain -- pain had helped. He remembers that, and he remembers it clearly. Remembers how he had pinched himself and felt something. Remembers the scratches, and then the cuts, remembers watching, in fascination, blood fall down his arms and legs and everywhere else he could get away with doing it, the cuts thin enough that they would never scar over, except for one. All he thinks about is the pain he remembers from his teen years, and how if he can feel it once more for the next while.

He’s in his apartment, in bed. It’s early in the morning, and he knows he needs to get ready to head to work but he has absolutely no will to get up, shower, get dressed and leave. He’s too comfortable, too lethargic. He just wants to stay here forever, wasting away because it’s not like there’s anything better to do.

There hasn’t been anything better to do in almost two months, he thinks, a tear falling down his cheek that has him groaning. He’s pathetic, so damn fucking pathetic. He brings his hands up, rubbing his face as his alarm goes off once more and his phone remains silent, no one bothers to try and contact him. 

No one’s tried to bother him in a month, he thinks, a small frown forming on his face as he slowly grabs his phone and scrolls through his social media apps, heart beating slow, an ache inside of him that’s not lessening as he sees the people he loves, happy and smiling on Facebook.

Closing his eyes and taking a deep breath, Buck waits a few seconds, though it feels like an eternity before he gets up and goes about his day. His shower is slow, the water cold because he hasn’t bothered to pay his water bill. It doesn’t energize him like it would if he normally got into a cold shower, and he spends too much time inside of it, blinking, unaware of anything going on around him.

It isn’t until there’s a second alarm going off on his phone, steadily getting louder that Buck blinks back into recognition, realizing that if that alarm is going off, he needs to get his ass into second gear and get to work now, or he won’t make it at all.

A small sigh escapes from him while he towels himself dry and gets dressed, grabbing his keys and heading to his car, starting the ignition once he’s settled. The drive to the station passes silently, Buck not bothering to turn on the radio, his mind blank, nothing but static as he goes through the motions, missing out on the beauty that everyday life provides.

When he finally pulls into the parking lot of the station with minutes to spare, he continues to go through the motions before changing into something more loose to wear under his gear, ignoring the way everyone has stopped to stare at him, frowns on their faces. 

Right as soon as the shift starts, the alarm goes off, beginning their day. It’s a house fire, in an empty house, and it has Buck frowning, because why would an empty house be on fire. When he manages to get to the house though, he’s surprised to see the entire house on fire, the fire blazing in the sky and covered.

“Diaz, Buckley, go in and see if there is anyone inside. Be quick about it, because the house doesn’t look like it’s going to last much longer!” Bobby shouts, and Buck nods, remaining silent but following Eddie inside, blinking as the heat nearly knocks him back, despite having his turnout gear on. They go through the house, shouting for anyone there to yell back, but they don’t hear anything, not on the main floor, or the upper level. Buck’s making his way back through the house when he notices there’s a basement door slightly opened. Heading towards it carefully, something in his gut tells him to go slow, and that the sight he’ll find won’t be an easy one. Following that instinct, Buck takes a deep breath before opening the door, head turning away and eyes closing immediately against the sight, body nearly falling as he turns to look back at the small body of a child and some sort of animal on the steps. It takes him a moment longer than it should for him to realize that he’s not on the ground like he thought, that Eddie’s arms are around him and more importantly, that Eddie’s trying to talk to him, looking at him carefully through the helmets covering them. He can’t stop looking at the child though, unable to stop himself from wondering what if it was Christopher. What if he had been hurt, what if something was wrong -- what if.

Buck nods, no idea what Eddie’s saying, no idea what he should say in response but knowing he needs to get out of there, needs to follow Eddie to safety. He doesn’t know how it happens or how long it takes, but eventually Buck is outside, Eddie’s arms still wrapped around him and this time, he can actually hear what Eddie is saying.

Pulling away, Buck gasps, removing his helmet and heading towards the doors of the truck, every bone in his body hurting in a way he doesn’t like, his heart pounding inside of his chest as he tries to regulate his breathing, placing his head against the metal of the firetruck.

He doesn’t know how much time passes but when he sees Eddie and the rest of the team making their way over to him, he jumps into the truck and buckles in, closing his eyes so everyone knows he’s in no mood to talk.

Luckily for Buck, the rest of the day passes by quickly, but the first call sticks with him, especially when the mother shows up at the station, wanting to know what had happened, before screaming in agony and hurt. All he can see when he closes his eyes or has a moment to rest is the body of the child, and what he learns to be the cat, on the stairs, and nothing is replacing the sight, no matter how many calls they go on.

By the time Buck is at his apartment, he feels -- he feels completely empty, unable to get the sight from earlier out of his mind. As he walks to the bathroom, not bothering to turn on any lights, Buck can’t help but wonder how long it will be before someone finds him and realizes that he’s gone for good. He doesn’t know when he made the decision to do what he’s planning, but other than the image from earlier, it’s the only thing on his mind.

Buck doesn’t know how much time passes, whether it’s seconds or minutes before he’s in his bathroom, opening his medicine cabinet and grabbing a shaving blade, falling to the ground as he fingers it, wide eyed. Everything is still dark around him, and Buck is so lost in his thoughts that he doesn’t realize his door is opening, or that Eddie is calling his name. All he can focus on is the fact the blade in his fingers, placing it on his skin and just --

All he has to do is just slice his skin, he thinks. He used to do it all of the time, he knows  _ how _ to do it. But --

“Just keep swimming,” he says to himself, closing his eyes and letting his hand fall, a sob breaking from him as he places his head against his knees. He doesn’t know how much time passes before he feels arms wrapping around him and while he jumps in surprise, he relaxes immediately when he realizes it’s Eddie who is holding him.

“It’s okay, you’re going to be okay, Buck. I’m here, I’m not leaving again, I’m so sorry baby,” Buck hears repeatedly and something in him breaks completely, his entire body seeking Eddie’s and sinking into his chest, sobbing hard and open, letting everything he’s felt for nearly two months out.

They stay like that for -- Buck doesn’t know how long - he’s been living these past two months not knowing anything about time, and right now, he doesn’t want that, so eventually, he pulls away and wipes his eyes.

“Eddie,” he whispers, after a few minutes of staring at the older man, shaking his head briefly when Eddie stands up from where he had sat down, gripping Buck as he does so and pulling him up with him. Buck doesn’t stop himself from going up and being pulled into Eddie’s arms - in fact, a part of him sinks into the feeling of Eddie’s arms around him, almost like he’s finally anchored.

“I’m right here, babe. I’m not going anywhere, I promise,” Eddie whispers and Buck feels him kissing the top of his head before walking the two of them to the couch. When Eddie finally falls into the cushions, Buck going with him, Buck feels himself slumping forward, eyes closing immediately and against his will, his body shutting down as he does so.

* * *

When Buck opens his eyes, there’s a bright light shining from his wall to floor windows, and he can’t stop the small groan from escaping from him as when he slowly blinks his eyes open. He can feel Eddie’s arms and legs surrounding him, and he recognizes the fact that they’re on his couch, wrapped up in one another, facing the windows. He can feel Eddie’s fingers running through his hair, slow and steady and all Buck wants to do is close his eyes and fall back to sleep, but with a small hum of contentment, he moves his body around until he’s facing Eddie instead of the window. 

“Hi,” he whispers, and he wonders what he looks like because the way Eddie is looking at him, he feels like it’s bad, like his world has ended and he doesn’t know what to do about it. And that -- that makes Buck feel like shit.

“I’m sorry,” Buck whispers, eyes becoming wet as he tries not to sob, shifting so that he’s closer to Eddie, ignoring the way Eddie shifts so he’s holding onto Buck just as much as he moves around.

“Hey, no, you don’t need to apologize at all, Buck,” Eddie whispers, his arms holding on more tightly to Buck, pulling him in closer and kissing the top of Buck’s head, closing his eyes briefly. Buck wonders what Eddie is thinking, wonders what’s going through his mind and why he came here in the first place, but he doesn’t want to ask, doesn’t want to ruin this sort of peaceful moment they have. 

“But I --”

“No, Buck. You did nothing wrong. I should have fought more when you first walked away to explain. Should have fought more afterwards, when I saw how depressed you were becoming. But I didn’t. But yesterday -- I am so fucking thankful I decided to come and see you yesterday,” Eddie whispers, his voice harsh against the silent and full of anger, though Buck knows that it’s not at him.

He stays quiet for a few minutes, taking Eddie in - taking all of the changes he hasn’t let himself look at the past two months. Eddie looks good, though tired, and Buck wants to know why, wants to know what’s been going on in his life that has him looking like he is.

“Why?” Buck whispers, shaking his head, taking a deep breath and closing his eyes before exhaling and opening them. “I’ve fucked up so much, Eddie. I --” He pauses here, licking his lips and realizing how dry his mouth is. He wants to continue but by the look Eddie is giving him, he doesn’t, though he keeps frowning, waiting.

“Eddie--” he begins briefly before stopping, trying to find the words to explain what’s going through his mind.

“Hey, I need you to listen to me, okay? I have a lot to say, and… I need you to hear me, first, yeah?” Eddie says and even though his heart is pounding inside of his chest, Buck nods.

“The very first thing I want to say -- what I’ve been wanting to say for the past two months is the fact that I didn’t mean it when I said I blamed you for losing Christopher. I could  _ never _ actually blame you Buck. Yes, a part of me was angry that you lost him, but blaming you? No. Never. I blame the weather. I blame the waves. In my worst moments, I get angry, but I could never blame you, babe,” Eddie says and Buck looks at him, sees the honesty in his eyes, and nods his head.

“I was drunk. And I was  _ pissed _ , though I think that was because I was drunk. I took it all out on you, and I sure as hell didn’t mean to.” Eddie adds, biting his lower lip and Buck really wants to be the one biting it himself, but he stops himself, knowing Eddie wants to say more.

“And then -- and then you went to Bobby about the street fighting, and i need you to know, I never blamed you for that. I wasn’t mad about it. I wasn’t --- I was thankful, because it made me realize how much I had to lose. I had already lost you, and I couldn’t --” Eddie says, beginning to speak faster and Buck moves without thinking, arms tightening against Eddie’s body, bringing him in closer and tucking his head under Eddie’s chin, trying to comfort him the best he can, despite everything they’ve gone through and that they’re both feeling.

“And no matter how much I tried to talk to you, to get you to look up and notice how much we cared, you kept receding further and further into yourself, Buck. And I hated that,” Eddie whispers and Buck nods, knowing what the man means, because when he did bother looking up, he never missed Eddie looking at him.

“But I knew I couldn’t force you into something you weren’t comfortable doing, so I waited, and I continued waiting, even though it killed me to do so because I could see you losing weight, and losing yourself,” Eddie whispers and Buck is surprised to feel a small kiss on his forehead. He closes his eyes briefly, breathing everything around him in before opening his eyes and humming.

“And then yesterday happened?” Buck asks, not sure what about yesterday it is that stands out in Eddie’s mind.

“You looked devastated, seeing that kid and his cat,” Eddie whispers.

“I kept wondering -- i kept seeing Christopher there instead of --” Buck says, shaking his head and gulping, tightening his hold on Eddie, who only tightens his own hold back.

“He keeps asking for you, when he’s not calling you or texting or facetiming. And I keep asking about you, when he is,” Eddie whispers and Buck wants to cry happy tears but instead he snuggles into Eddie and hums once more.

“I figured there was something going on in your mind, and something was screaming at me to make sure you were okay. So when I couldn’t find you after work -- I just -- I couldn’t let you be alone, Buck,” Eddie says and Buck leans away from Eddie and looks up at him, blinking a little before smiling softly.

“I was terrified when I managed to follow you home and see you with a blade to your wrist,” Eddie says and Buck has to close his eyes, almost like he’s imagining it from Eddie’s point of view and he knows, if he was in Eddie’s shoes -- he would have freaked completely out.

“But I didn’t --” Buck begins, opening his eyes, looking at Eddie carefully, swiping away the wetness that has gathered from Eddie’s eyes.

“You didn’t. And I’m so thankful for that,” Eddie whispers, breathing deeply before exhaling. “I can’t imagine my life without you, Buck. I don’t  _ want _ to imagine my life without you,” Eddie says, leaning forward to kiss Buck lightly on the lips before pulling away, resting their foreheads together.

“I need you in my life Buck. Forever. And --” Eddie pauses here, blowing out a small breath, closing out as he does so and Buck wonders what Eddie is thinking, but he doesn’t have to wait long before Eddie opens his mouth.

“I love you. I want to be in a relationship with you. But you need help, and I don’t -- I don’t know how much help I can be, by myself.” Eddie finishes and Buck nods, because he knows Eddie is right.

“Bobby has me seeing a therapist, for my issues. Maybe you should see one, or get Bobby to introduce you to a new one. Mine is male, so there wouldn’t be any problems or PTSD from your old one,” Eddie says softly, wrinkling his nose while Buck smiles, feeling so grateful towards the other man.

“I’m going to help you as much as I can, and I definitely don’t -- I don’t think the team should know just how bad it got because they’re just…” Eddie begins and starts, and Buck nods, knowing what Eddie is saying and not forcing him to continue, snuggling into him as he inhales and exhales.

“I can agree with that.” Buck whispers, before leaning back and looking at Eddie carefully.

“So, therapy, getting help, trying, and we’ll get back together?” He asks, hope in his voice, watching as Eddie smiles.

“No. We were never… I never considered us broken up in the first place, Buck. So, if you did -- I would say, we get back together no matter what, because I love you and want you in my life, and at the same time, you get help and try,” Eddie says and Buck can feel his eyes widening, his heart pounding because this is like the best thing he could have asked for, something he never thought he would get, but here he is getting it, and he doesn’t know how to feel about that other than purely ecstatic. 

“You never --” Buck asks, breaking off when Eddie shakes his head and leans down, kissing him softly before pulling away and humming once more.

“You, Evan Buckley, are it for me. Even when I fuck up and make mistakes, I’m not ever going to be able to move on from you,” Eddie whispers and Buck doesn’t stop himself from grinning wide, nor does he stop himself from moving forward and kissing Eddie once more, letting himself fall completely into it. The two of them continue kissing slowly before eventually pulling away, smiles on their faces.

“We should get up, and get cleaned up. Do you want to go to work today or call off?” Eddie asks and Buck finds himself frowning before shaking his head.

“Call off. I just want one day with you, and not having to try and be okay,” Buck whispers and he watches as Eddie nods before they both move off the couch, heading towards the kitchen. Buck grabs a glass of water, drinking it and feeling better immediately, briefly wondering when he last had water before he focuses on Eddie, who's currently on the phone with what sounds like Bobby.

“Yeah, no. He’s fine, but he needs a day. Do you have enough available that he can beg off for the day?” Eddie asks, smiling at Buck after a moment and Buck finds himself grateful for the other man and the captain, when Eddie nods his head.

“Perfect, thanks. We’ll see you tomorrow, Cap.” Eddie adds, hanging the phone up and stepping close to Buck, fingers running through Buck’s hair. The movement has him closing his eyes and relaxing, an exhale of breath being released before he opens his eyes.

“Let’s get ourselves cleaned up and then have some breakfast, yeah?” Eddie suggests, grabbing his hand when Buck nods, slowly leading him to the bathroom, where they hop into the shower and do exactly as planned.

* * *

They spend the rest of the day doing things that would be classified as self care, and Buck knows it’s a huge step up for him from the past two months he’s been on his own. After having a shower and breakfast, Buck pays all of his bills and then calls Maddie back, realizing he had numerous missed calls and texts from her.

He felt guilty about it, of course, and almost wanted to go to his bed and forget the world but with Eddie’s help, he managed. Maddie had yelled at him when she had answered his call, but after explaining everything to her and telling her he was planning on getting help, planning on not letting himself get that bad again, she let him go, but not before making him promise that he would check in with her every day, through text or call or even snapchat, she didn’t care, just as long as it happened.

He would’ve normally been upset by that, but he knows that the fact that he was getting as bad as he had had her flashing back to when he was a teenager and she had caught him harming himself the first time. He had never wanted to give her that kind of pain again, and while he briefly felt guilt over it happening once more, he made the promise and asked Eddie to help him live up to that promise, which Eddie agreed to immediately.

Then they had done laundry together, talking more about what had happened in the near two months they had been separated. Buck learned that Christopher had passed one of the harder spelling tests he had been having troubles with, which had Buck grinning wide, full of happiness. He also learned that Eddie had returned the truck he had bought before their fight, which Buck found himself relaxing when he learned of that, never having been a fan of the vehicle. 

Buck learned Chris was at his Abuela’s for the weekend, and while part of him was saddened that he wasn’t going to be able to see the guy unless he went home with Eddie, another part of him was thankful that Chris hadn’t seen him how he was, because he never wanted Chris to see him like that.

When Buck’s laundry and bedding was finally done, they worked on what few dishes were made before going back to the couch and relaxing, Buck curling towards Eddie, who had wrapped his arms around him immediately, kissing the top of Buck’s head as he shifted a little.

“Am I going home with you?” Buck asks after a few moments of silence, a movie playing on in the background, though he has no idea what movie it is.

“Do you want to?” Eddie responds and Buck bites his lip, thinking. Before everything had happened, Buck had been spending most of his time at Eddie’s in general - hell, he had considered Eddie’s place  _ home _ , not his apartment. But he doesn’t know how to tell Eddie that, doesn’t know how Eddie would feel about it.

“I want to. But part of me feels like I shouldn’t until I’m better? And another part of me feels like -- I’ve never thought of this place as my home. Your place, yes, but this apartment? Never,” Buck admits, looking away briefly before he looks back at Eddie, watching him curiously as Eddie bites his own lip in response.

“It’s a good point, but I want you to come home with me. Not because I don’t trust you, or because I have no faith in you, but because I just want to spend every moment of every day with you,” Eddie admits and Buck nods his head, closing his eyes and smiling a little before opening his eyes.

“I guess it’s home with you, then,” Buck chuckles, leaning forward to kiss Eddie before breaking away, feeling something settle within himself.

* * *

The next day, before their shift is due to start, Buck and Eddie make their way to Eddie’s home, and the closer they get to the home, the more Buck finds himself relaxing, anticipating the return to the abode and feeling like -- feeling like he’s coming home, admittedly. He knows Eddie can see it in him, interlacing their fingers together in the car before kissing his hand, which only relaxes Buck more before they’re finally arriving.

Buck knows Chris is being dropped of by his Abuela that same day, being watched by Carla, since it’s the weekend, but he is surprised to see the little man on the porch when they pull up. Looking towards Eddie with wide eyes, he lets out a strangle whimper when Eddie chuckles.

“I let it slip that you were coming home with me while you were packing. He wanted to surprise you,” Eddie admits and Buck can’t stop himself from leaning forward and kissing Eddie quickly before opening the car door and trying to leave, making another noise when he realizes he’s still wearing his seatbelt. Quickly undoing it, Buck makes his way towards Chris, who is grinning, arms wide open before swooping the kid up into his arms and spinning him around, the two of them laughing before Buck carefully sits them down on the porch swing Eddie has - which must be new, Buck thinks, before putting it at the back of his mind with a grin towards Eddie, who has just said goodbye to his Abuela.

“Bucky!” Christopher laughs and Buck feels another piece settle into him, like his soul was scattered puzzle pieces clicking into place at last.

* * *

The next couple of weeks are slow going for Buck. He finds himself super thankful that Eddie is there helping him along the way, to the best of his own ability because otherwise, Buck doesn’t know if he would be able to do this, fully believing that he would move backwards instead of forwards in his so-considered recovery.

Buck had ended up asking Bobby, quietly, the first shift he could, for a reference to a therapist, and ended up getting the therapist that Eddie had. He worried that there would be a conflict of interest but was told by the man that there wasn’t, and found himself calming down, especially when Eddie himself said he wouldn’t ask Frank about the sessions.

And of course, at one point, Frank had suggested doing joint couples sessions, which both men agreed to, since they knew they couldn’t do this alone and Buck found it extremely helpful, the relationship between him and Eddie growing exponentially, and for the better.

Yes, there were moments that were hard for Buck -- moments where he wanted to hide in darkness, or move away from interacting with everyone, but every single time he was able to pull himself out of those moments, Buck counted it as a win, and he knew Eddie did too, usually congratulating him with a quick kiss, smiling against one another before moving away.

Then there was Buck’s interactions with the other’s. While none of them knew what had happened specifically, Buck could tell how thankful they were that not only did it seem like Buck was getting back to normal, and Chimney had told him privately that the entire group was off when he and Eddie weren’t together in the sense they were all used to.

Buck had been surprised by that but, with a nudge towards the smaller man, only grinned and shrugged his shoulders, not sure what he could say. Either way, things were finally getting back to normal.

And everyone found themselves incredibly thankful for it.

Of course, with Buck’s luck, that practically all changed on a call they had a month after he and Eddie had finally talked.

The call -- Buck thought the call was a simple call. A traffic jam, an errant driver causing the jam. It was pretty simple, he thought, and definitely similar to that one call they had a year or so ago, with the woman on the freeway sign. He believed it was simple -- but then they arrived and Buck had wanted to turn around right then and there, realizing the call was a traffic jam on a  _ bridge _ , and the reason for the jam was someone attempting to jump.

He could tell Eddie was looking at him once they made it out of the truck, moving forward to squeeze his bicep and Buck found himself more than thankful for his boyfriend, offering him a small smile as he breathed deeply and headed towards where Bobby wanted him, which was slightly off center from the male who was threatening to jump.

Looking around as everyone got to where they needed to be, Buck couldn’t help but watch the male carefully, looking to see if there was anything he could do to help that no one else would think to do. Biting the inside of his cheek, Buck blinked when he made eye contact with the man before deciding to slowly, carefully, take a few steps forward.

“Hi,” Buck says quietly, continuing to move forward while the man looks at him, gulping. “I’m Buck. What’s your name?” He asks.

“Alex.” Buck nods, ignoring the way Bobby steps forward and Eddie holds onto his arm, shaking his head, like he knows this is something Buck needs to do. Buck though -- Buck has no idea what to do. All he wants to do is stop this man from jumping, but how is he supposed to do that when only a month ago, he was ready to hurt himself and thinking about ending it himself.

“How old are you, Alex?” He asks, not sure if that’s the right thing to ask, but knowing he needs to take a risk nonetheless.

“Seventeen,” Alex responds, and Buck nods, remembering what he was like at that age, remembering all of the emotions he had going through him. He remembers what the one thing was that made him snap when he was that age, and a month ago, and it’s like something clicks into place, because he takes another step forward, breathing in and out softly.

“What was it?” He asks, watching as Alex blinks in surprise, noticing Hen and Chimney out of the corner of his eye.

“Wha--what do you mean?”

“What was the one thing that happened that made you decide today was the day that you were done?” Buck asks, voice soft, because he knows now, there was something that happened, something that made him snap. Just like there was something with him.

“I uh - I --” Alex stutters, looking away from Buck and down at the water below him. Buck takes another step forward, a bigger step since Alex isn’t looking before he stops, waiting patiently for Alex to turn around once more, which he does.

“How do you know there was something?” Alex questions and Buck can’t stop the small smile from escaping from him.

“Because one month ago, there was something for me that had me snapping.” Buck admits, eyes getting a faraway look in them before he clears his throat and looks back at the young teen.

“There’s always something. But there’s also always one thing that can stop you from going through with it, ultimately,” Buck says.

“What was it for you? The thing that made you snap? And the thing that saved you?” Alex asks and Buck -- Buck doesn’t want to answer that. No -- he’s not sure if he  _ can _ answer that. He’s avoided talking about it with Frank, and Eddie knows he doesn’t like remembering it, but Alex, he realizes, needs this, so he takes a deep breath before smiling.

“We had a call that day. House on fire. Something sparked somewhere, and the entire house was engulfed. The house was supposed to be empty, but I found a young kid and their cat, on the stairs leading down to the basement. Kid was trying to come up but couldn’t.” Buck says, voice still soft. He knows everyone is staring at him, knows they’re surprised but he continues onward.

“I had been isolating myself for two months already before that and when I saw that kid, I thought of my own, and just -- lost it. Went to my apartment, grabbed a blade and just….” He pauses here, closing his eyes, not sure he knows how to continue. It isn’t until he feels a hand slip into his own that he opens his eyes, smiling gratefully at his boyfriend before looking back at Alex.

“What made you stop?”

“I thought of my kid,” Buck chuckles, feeling warm when Eddie squeezes his hand once more.

“I don’t have a kid,” Alex huffs out and Buck can’t stop himself from laughing, nodding.

“I’m sure you don’t. But it doesn’t have to be a kid. Can be a parent, sibling, significant other, pet, hell, a best friend. Not even - it could be anything. Wanting to know the ending of you favorite tv show, or wanting to hear the album coming out from your favorite band. But people love you, and they would miss you,” Buck says, and he watches as Alex looks back towards the water, taking a deep breath before slowly, he lifts his leg back over the bridge.

Buck feels something inside of him completely relax as Alex makes it to safety, Hen and Chimney walking towards the kid and helping him. Briefly, Buck looks away and sees Bobby in front of him, looking at him carefully before helping the other two. He knows that Bobby will want to talk to him but for now, he looks at Eddie, and grins.

“Holy shit,” he chuckles, moving forward and grabbing Eddie, kissing him lightly. Eddie returns the kiss, laughing, before breaking away, staring at him with wide eyes, and flushed cheeks.

“I’m proud of you, Buck. So damn fucking proud,” Eddie whispers and Buck can’t help but continue grinning.

“Yeah. So am I,” he admits, hopeful that he’s finally moving on and getting better, and more importantly, thankful that he is, and that he’s doing so with Eddie by his side.

**Author's Note:**

> Spoilers: The original character death is brief, and sad, but not graphic. Eddie drinks, and there's mentions of Buck's dad abusing him and his mom and cheating on his mom which led her to drinking. There's also mentions of Buck using drugs and tools to self harm, and a brief glimpse of Buck thinking of attempting suicide, and then placing a blade on his wrist, but nothing happens.
> 
> This took a lot out of me, so comments and reviews are definitely appreciated. If I missed _any_ tags, please let me know immediately. Thank you so much for reading. ♥


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